home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale
/
Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso
/
fade into you
/
being there
/
How To & FAQ's
/
How to deal with harrassers - W
< prev
next >
Wrap
Text File
|
1994-07-05
|
10KB
|
191 lines
Sunday, 3 July 1994 2:26:55 PM
alt.internet.services Item
From: kchap@ripco.com (Karen Chapdelaine),internet
Subject: How to deal with harrassers - Women Read this
To: alt.internet.services
I observe that there is a long thread in this newsgroup about the
harrassment of openly female netters (and men with "female seeming"
names!). One suggestion was to teach women how to flame. Not necessary.
Though sometimes when you tell the truth, or respond strongly, it will
seem like that to the other person. Consider this an attempt to give a
course in "net assertiveness." I used to "person" the phone lines at
Metrohelp, a help line here in Chicago. One of the topics we offered help
on were calls about birth control, etc. You guessed it, we would receive
calls asking how to put on a condom, feigning ignorance if you used
"clinical terms". And other exciting phonecalls. Many women went into a
tizzy. I did not. I seem to have a more matter of fact stance, and I
would like to share a few "tips and tricks." I have also frequented BBS'
for about 6 years, now, and have seen all kinds of exciting idiocy. And
dealt with it without ending up with that yucky "victim feeling." I have
always posted openly as a female, though I have not always used my real
name.
There are several separate issues here. Let me separate them:
1) Would be chatter harrassment (wants hot talk or just won't go away!)
2) Male (usual) training vs. female (usual) training in regards to
"intellectual issues," which can sometimes feel like they are
disrespecting your intelligence. I.E., getting flamed.
3) Gross or unwelcome sexual email.
4) Dangerous mail.
****
1 & 3 - Lets start with some "perspective" here. The net is an open
forum. The people who have the most time to post don't have anything else
to do, or think they don't. The ones who have the TIME and ENERGY to try
to engage you in hot chat or send sexual email are (a) lonely and probably
horny, and (b) don't feel capable of approaching a woman in person. Some
of them WANT you to be afraid, (some of them don't, they're just
hopelessly inept) and BECAUSE they don't have success with women in
person, they are probably angry at women, and that comes through. No,
ladies, don't go Florence Nightengale on me, you don't want to "enable
their disability." I just hope that some of these words can help some to
feel pity rather than fear. And they do not represent "men in general,"
or, I think, even the majority of men on the net. And some of these are
teenage boys who don't have a clue yet. I know, I am the mother of a
teenage boy, and I have carefully shared my perspectives on sex, women,
etc., with him, and I think he's doing better than most. And my hair
still curls when I hear conversations with him and his male "friends", and
thankfully he seems to "raise the level" when he talks to female friends.
And I'm talking about stuff that isn't even "the problem here", but just
gives ME a clue about how uninformed the young are.
You are a powerful, capable woman. (Say that to yourself as a mantra, if
necessary.) You don't need to be afraid of guys who would be too afraid
to approach you on the street. If you can't take it as a compliment (not
that it usually is, but it is one way to look at it that keep YOU from
feeling like shit), then take it as ignorance and foolishness. DON'T be
intimidated.
Additionally:
Sex is not bad and evil. Some people have very weird tastes, that you may
not beable to appreciate. Some people REALLY LIKE "phone sex", which is
what this essentially is. Honest, straightforward people whose tastes are
a little bit off-the-beaten-track are looking for others who really want
to do this. Sometimes they will make a mistake. Don't assume that a
request for hot chat is a harrasser. Only decide that after no doesn't
work.
How to spot them:
You probably know, but just in case someone is good at "fooling" during
the first round ---
--- asks you a question that could lead to a sex question, and
doesn't give his FULL name and email address. If he's afraid of
women, or wants to do something "naughty" (in his mind, anway),
then he won't want to be readily identifiable.
He will try to get you to reveal things about yourself that he has
not revealed about himself, like your preferences about sex,
clothing, etc.
Sometimes someone will come to you "asking for your advice" as a
woman. They will say it is for their girlfriend. Tell him to have
the girlfriend post. She won't. Or, if "she" does (under his
i.d.), you will notice that she doesn't seem to talk like any
woman you have ever known, but rather a stereotype of women. If
you still aren't sure, ask for more info FROM HIM without giving
him anything (Or from "her"). If it is a prankster, he may get
bored at this point, you are being "no fun." Be calm. Don't
"scream", don't freak. He is only an i.d. on a BBS, not a stranger
in your living room.
If you have a "harrasser", and he won't go away with a "no, thank you",
then tell him you will report him. If this has taken a while, you may want
to report him anyway. ANY response from him after this should be reported
to the BBS, the University, whatever, IMMEDIATELY!!! It will make you feel
stronger, and will let him know that he is not "free" to do this to anyone
he chooses. And, you gave him fair warning, if he wasn't way over the line
already. Don't get hyper when you report him, be "matter of fact", and
let it be known that this can intimidate other women from using the net.
Don't insist on a hanging at high noon, some of these characters can be
"handled" with a "talking to". You've already blown their cover; they are
probably terrified at this point and will know that this is NOT "approved
behavior" and "what they can get away with" SIMPLY because they have been
"talked to".
Special notes about "hot chat" (not email): Don't answer, period (unless
it looks like what you WANT to do). Catch their "handle", ask the System
Administrator how you turn off general paging. Do it, if you have to
learn Unix from scratch. If you are trying to do like one post described,
and chat with someone on purpose, and that for some reason makes you
generally available to talk to (I believe this varies?), just learn to see
the stupid messages as wishful thinkers. (Say "dream on" to yourself,
DON'T say it to them).
2 - When I went to school, most guys talked a lot in class, and debated,
etc., and most women sat quietly, and didn't raise their hands to answer
questions. I was weird. I raised my hand. And I learned the "rules of
debate", i.e. how to defend my point of view in the supposedly "male" (at
that time, at least), arenas of logic, correct grammar, scientific
support, etc. I think it has something to do with the way we were raised,
but that's a real long story.
Belittling an opponent is a sort of "valid" but sort of "cheating"
debating tactic. Many people who think well of their abilities in the
arena of intellect do this out of training. Though I have occassionally
run across the idiot who is specifically attacking women with this tactic
on purpose, (ignore him, so will everyone else) most of this is
unconscious or simply playing the game the way he thinks it should be
played with anyone, male or female. Think about the response, see if it
is more than just a flame. Any points you want to respond to? Do your
homework, support your arguement! Followup! Didn't get your point
correct? Correct him! Reread your post, either point out what he ignored
or clarify and apologize IF appropriate. Women can play too! (Though
maybe some of you want to be "kinder and gentler" about it and not engage
in cutthroat, and arrogant, tactics). I rarely find someone so sexist
that they won't engage and ignore my arguement once I show I am not asking
nfor "special treatment." And let yourself "agree to disagree" either
formally or ignoring someone who just doesn't share anything of your point
of view, i.e., you are not on common ground. If you are "prolife" you are
not going to "convince" someone who is "prochoice" or visa-versa, you can
only discuss the facts with them. If it ain't fun, don't do it, don't
engage someone who makes your blood boil. There are plenty of
constructive conversations to be had, don't waste yours and the nets
energy in battle.
4 - Dangerous posts. They know your house color, or something else.
Report immediately. Ask for help. Find out who they are. Some computer
nerd, somewhere, should beable to track this fool down. Even if he is
harmless and a bit obsessed, you don't want to find out. Save the email,
etc. I don't know if and where it is actionable, but mail sent to you is
no longer "free speech." Now we are talking threatening letters. I think
the police are relevant, but having never dealt with this on the net, you
would need to check this. Ask around. Your System Administrator is
probably more than willing to help.
Love, Strength, and Sisterhood,
Karen
--
******************************************************************************
kchap@ripco.com
Karen Chapdelaine
_ , __ _
' ) / / ) / / //
/-< __. __ _ ____ / /_ __. _ __/ _ // __. o ____ _
/ ) (_/|_/ (_</_/ / <_ (__/ / /_(_/|_/_)_(_/_</_</_(_/|_<_/ / <_</_
/
----Internet Header Follows----
Newsgroups: alt.internet.services
Path: macconn!inferno.mpx.com.au!metro!news.cs.su.oz.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!msuinfo!uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!pipex!sunic!EU.net!uunet!gail!kchap
From: kchap@ripco.com (Karen Chapdelaine)
Subject: How to deal with harrassers - Women Read this
Message-ID: <CsCKCv.LHL@rci.ripco.com>
Sender: usenet@rci.ripco.com (Net News Admin)
Organization: Ripco Internet BBS, Chicago
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Date: Sun, 3 Jul 1994 04:26:55 GMT
Lines: 172